I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
