I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
