girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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