this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
