you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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