"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
