No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
