Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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