i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
