Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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