Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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