i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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