i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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