I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
