the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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