Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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