I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
