My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
