You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
