I CAN MOONWALK!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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