I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
