even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I fill condoms, not promises.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
