We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
