You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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