Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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