i need an iv and a liver transplant
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
