one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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