Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
