I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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