I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
now i know why i became what i already was.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
