yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
