if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
3pm strippers are depressing
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
