I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
