I hope mine doesn't look like that
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
