if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I supernannyed him into submission
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
