sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
