I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
