you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
