maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
even my farts smell like vagina
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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