Pants 0. Shit 1.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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