he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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