Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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