you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
