I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
