Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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