I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You left your phone here
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