id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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