Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
