just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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