I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
